My boyfriend left me several weeks ago. ( ok i just realized its already been a month and a few days , great and im still a mess) I thought things were going fine. I had just asked are we ok? And he said , ” I think were great”.. that was the last time he was at my house until the day he came to break up which was two days later. His reasoning.. He’s no good at relationships, he gets too close and panics and runs . He explained it usually happens after a month but with me it was different, he thought it was going to work. He loved me so much that he thought it made the difference in his fears. He said it had begun a month prior , he felt it happening but tried to dismiss it. He left my house that day almost running backwards, with tears , saying im sorry after id been on my knees in front of him begging him to talk to me, to think about what he was doing , . I had no idea what had happened or why. I was left on the floor crying , feeling like someone knocked the wind out of me .. I tried to drink it away that night while texting him constantly .. and feeling like a fool . All i knew was i wanted him to come back so bad. I thought somewhere in my head that i had finally found who id been waiting for always, it took me 4 years to find that “click” with someone , that connection.. it felt completely right.. we seemed to be perfect for one another , he fit right into my family , they all loved him..we had so much in common, i felt so lucky and like maybe things were turning around.. and had all my hopes of that life yanked away suddenly. People say its like a death but honestly i think death would be easier, its final , their gone, theirs no worrying and wondering why or what their doing, if they think about you or miss you .. who their with . Nothing just gone.
He agreed to come back and talk to me about a week and half later,( i guess thats why it still feels so fresh) i couldnt leave it that way , i needed answers , something . Just the way he came in and said hello like i was no one important to him was heart wrenching, as if he was already over it, it seemed that way always for him, but he’s always been good at hiding his feelings. He stayed for 2 hours trying to explain , trying to give me “closure”.. I asked a million questions. I got all the ..”Its not you , you did nothing wrong , its me”, “I love you , i probably love you more than i even loved my ex wife when we got married “.. “I dont know what the future holds i just know how i feel right now”, ” I dont want to have to worry about anyone else , i want to be able to go out ( he was used to going out c/w dancing 3 nights a week alone for a long time before me ) or travel for work without worrying about having to answer to anyone or explain anything “. This man is 48 yrs old. I hope to god that going out to dance at a bar and be single wasnt worth throwing away what he said was the person he loved most.
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Married for 18 yrs then cheated on. He’s been divorced going on 5 years like myself , hell maybe its 6 for me i dont know anymore. I tried to tell him that i understood his panic that i would be there , id give him space , id help him through anything , i knew we were great together..sure we had our issues but things had been so great lately up until then.. nothingi said mattered. What was troubling me most was I had seen immediately prior to the breakup some things on his obsessed ex girlfriends face book page that sure seemed like they were seeing one another or communicating in a way that would be emotional cheating , my entire body feels like its on fire with anxiety everytime i even think he would do that to me.. especially after being cheated on himself .. I wish i could unsee them because i see them in my mind all the time. Questioning, is he lying. He says it had nothing to do with her , that he didnt do the things she said , ” He was out of town with work at the time, but the things mentioned like being serenaded with a song on her voicemail, ( he used to do that to me) and “he” made my valentines really great as a woman, she says..whatever that means…. although she would never name a name .. i just knew.. she still had their pics all over her page from when they dated .. she had quotes of things he’s said to her on her page.. Then she begins putting up pics of him in her house painting.. he told me he painted that wall a long time ago when they dated and he has no idea why she’s putting the things she is on her page and that he told her to stop .. she did mention something afterwards on the page about a confrontation. I blocked her and have never been back. Im terrified to go look now at what i may see .. and i refuse to do that to myself . Its like you want to know the truth but you dont know if you can handle it. At the state im in now… i cant handle it. It would crush me further to feel i wasnt enough somehow , that she was somehow better after he said all he did about her.. That our entire relationship would feel like a lie. It would just be too much.
\ He said its just these kinds of things that he cant deal with..having to worry about who’s posting shit and it causing problems and drama. I explained i wasnt upset i had just wanted to talk about it . So her posting things and me asking (which i felt i had a right to do ) was the trigger that caused him to break up with me.? Well she got what she wanted. It was strange to me that the time he started feeling that flight feeling was while out of town in February , around the time she started posting more . He left me with so many mixed feelings and i sat around allowing my mind to go crazy and convinced myself that everything in the two hours he was here and the hour on the phone two days later he told me, were lies after I was feeling a little better after he left.. it seemed genuine , i couldnt imagine why he would take that much time , shed actual tears and go into that much detail if he was just lying .. until i let my mind take over., ..i convinced myself that he was cheating and lying and in set more pain and grief. You start asking why? Why her..all the normal things. He gave me 100 reasons he would never be with her again. her young son, she doesnt do it for him, her lifestyle, just things about a person you cant get around, they’ve tried it twice and it didnt work and he was certainly not trying again and so on. So im left with not really knowing if she was conniving and trying to cause problems or if he’s a liar .. all i know is im still in a terrible place .. a depression i cant seem to pull out of . All of this happened so fast .. and it was so easy for him. He left me wondering and thinking there may be a chance down the road by saying..” if i ever want to be in a relationship or feel im ready, it would be with you, you gave me more than anyone”.. he says to me “Ive loved two women in my life truly , one hurt me and now im hurting the other one” . So my feelings are all over the place. I have no one to talk to , no one wants to hear it .. i cry everyday and cant function .. and im really scared that im never going to feel better. I suffer from depression in general although normally its not been a big issue in a long time.. Ive been unemployed , i was laid off awhile ago and stressed of course with a mortgage and a teen etc and no idea what i was doing with my life now.. although he actually made my predicament seem brighter just by being around… i was happier than id been in so long and i was able to forget at times how shitty things had been.. but pulling the plug the way he did , leaving all the questions he did.. ive sunk pretty deep. My mom comes a lot but seeing me this way , and the weight ive lost just makes her worry and then i feel guilty , My daughter sees the change in me , how depressed and sad i am and it makes her angry .. So i feel like im ruining others lives while trying to fix mine. I feel like i cant get a breath. I feel like if i could i would sit down and cry for a week. But i have to hold so much in. So pardon my rambling .. or repeating myself .. im truly a mess. I hope being here and writing it out will somehow help me.
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My ramblings , my life ... 