So back in May , just a mere 2 months , maybe less since id found out one painful , heart wrenching thing after another that finally led up to him leaving .. i wrote about having a strong urge to write to him. I have no idea why i felt the need. Maybe i just felt that i needed to inform him of the damage he had done once my head was calm and some time had passed. I know part of me wanted to actually apologize for handling things the way i did . I think i wanted him to see that i AM a good person damnit , but his actions threw me and i was reacting off of primal pain , fear and loss.
I kept putting off writing… wondering if it was right, if it would make me feel worse. But finally i decided that it was obviously going to nag at me until i did it. Aug 30th was his birthday so on the 25th i sat down , found a simple birthday card and began to write. It was kind but let him know what his actions had done. That i had yes, finally pulled myself up but that he needed to understand what his decisions can do to others and how i had never deserved that. That i was sorry for my part in how i reacted and why. I never said a word about wanting him back , i didnt go on about what a shitty person i think he is.. No, i was kind and i just wanted him to know that i had loved him so very much, and that i’ll never understand why he felt the need to do the things he did . I’ll never understand why if he loved me , he felt i deserved that treatment and id never understand why he felt he could find what i obviously lacked with someone else that he’d already been with prior and left.
As i walked to the mailbox .. it took awhile to drop it in. To let go of the letter knowing there was no turning back once it was gone. I dropped it finally and told myself that maybe i could finally let go. I told myself that i didnt want this “letter” to start up anything . I feared what he might say in return. Things i didnt want to hear that would destroy me all over again . I prayed that he just wouldnt say anything. Then something else happened. I found my mind playing out the scenario that he receives the “letter” and realizes how wrong he was. That maybe he’d stayed away because our last correspondence id told him never to contact me again. It played out in my head that somehow on his birthday, he would drive to my house.. id hear the familiar walk , his boots on the pavement and he would come to tell me how much he loved me, how sorry he was, how he knew that it would take so long to regain my trust but wanted to try. I actually made sure i looked decent on that Friday , fixed my hair even though i was just lounging around the house , put on a little makeup just in case. All the while knowing this would never happen , but there was that tiny little voice saying, “What if?”. By that evening , i put on something comfortable, threw my hair up in a ponytail , washed my faced and cried for being so stupid.. and allowing my mind to even let me entertain it.
The Tuesday after Labor Day ..my phone buzzed and i looked over and my heart literally stopped . I had a text from “lyingdouchebag” . (Yes i changed his name in my phone and no its not mature) I started shaking inside and it took forever to pick it up to read. When i did , Id wished i hadnt. Anger, anger is all i felt. He spoke to me as if i was a stranger that had just done something nice for him. His words .. “Sorry i just got back and got your card, ive been out of town. Thank you for all the nice things you said about me . It was never you, it was me. I panicked at how close we were getting and honestly i still dont know why i felt the need to go. You have a lot to offer someone , youre great. It wasnt “Tina” (his ex gf) it wasnt anything but me and im so sorry. I hope you and T (my daughter) are ok and please tell her and your mom i said hello.”
WOW. Thats it? As if nothing happened. As if my mother and daughter would want a hello from him after the hell he drug me through. The gall of him to even think they would. And the same lies . I knew then , that i would never know the truth, it was over. The wondering , the needing to know and thinking after 6 months he might have the decency to say. But no , just the same bullshit . I wrote back and said ” The letter was more for me than for you, just things i needed to say . I wish i could believe it wasnt about “her” but she posted entirely too much proof that it was, for all the world to see , for that to happen. Then you went to her immediately and truth be known, are still with her im sure. So its hard to believe it had nothing to do with “her”. The “hello’s” would be welcomed im sure if things were different . Youre welcome. ”
I got nothing in return. Part of me hoped he would write back, tell me no im not with “her” anymore.. something, anything. But no, he did his “nice act” for the year and thanked me and thats all he planned on doing. I cried for hours . The first contact id had with him since he walked out and took my heart with him and it hurt, a lot. About 5 hours later i texted once more and i said ..”i have nothing to lose in telling you that even though i was so hurt, i guess i’ll always love you. You hurt me worse than ive ever been hurt but one day ill forgive you. Not for you, but for me. If you are still with her , then your issues arent , getting too close to someone, but in fact getting too close to “me” was your problem and that is where the confusion and pain lie. I have no motives here in not wanting you back but i will say , you always know where i am if you ever want to talk . “
Im an idiot .. maybe i shouldnt have responded at all even to his first text… but that would have surely been what he wanted. He doesnt deserve what he wants. I hated myself for writing even the second time , but did get to tell him that i dont want him back.. not that he cares. Im not sure i accomplished anything. The whole ordeal threw me back into a dark place for days .. I cried at the drop of a dime and i felt broken all over again. What an asshole . I will never understand . I hope he is very happy , i hope they are very happy together but more than anything in this world .. i hope that one day he feels for even 5 minutes the same pain that ive felt for months at his hands. I hope that she feels what he made me feel one day . Maybe and only maybe then will either of them understand how wrong it is. Yes i shouldnt wish ill on people but then you have the people like them that just simply deserve it.
That chapter in my life is now closed. Move on.. yea … But the damage he did to me is proving to hinder me in so many ways . I hope youre happy R. I have no idea why i even had to meet you. This is not a lesson ill ever understand.