The “Letter”

ImageSo back in May , just a mere 2 months , maybe less since id found out one painful , heart wrenching thing after another that finally led up to him leaving .. i wrote about having a strong urge to write to him.  I have no idea why i felt the need.  Maybe i just felt that i needed to inform him of the damage he had done once my head was calm and some time had passed.  I know part of me wanted to actually apologize for handling things the way i did .  I think i wanted him to see that i AM a good person damnit , but his actions threw me and i was reacting off of primal pain , fear and loss. 

I kept putting off writing… wondering if it was right, if it would make me feel worse.  But finally i decided that it was obviously going to nag at me until i did it.  Aug 30th was his birthday so on the 25th i sat down , found a simple birthday card and began to write.  It was kind but let him know what his actions had done.  That i had yes, finally pulled myself up but that he needed to understand what his decisions can do to others and how i had never deserved that.  That i was sorry for my part in how i reacted and why.   I never said a word about wanting him back , i didnt go on about what a shitty person i think he is.. No, i was kind and i just wanted him to know that i had loved him so very much, and that i’ll never understand why he felt the need to do the things he did .  I’ll never understand why if he loved me , he felt i deserved that treatment and id never understand why he felt he could find what i obviously lacked with someone else that he’d already been with prior and left.

As i walked to the mailbox .. it took awhile to drop it in. To let go of the letter knowing there was no turning back once it was gone.   I dropped it finally and told myself that maybe i could finally let go.   I told myself that i didnt want this “letter” to start up anything .  I feared what he might say in return.  Things i didnt want to hear that would destroy me all over again .  I prayed that he just wouldnt say anything.  Then something else happened. I found my mind playing out the scenario that he receives the “letter” and realizes how wrong he was.  That maybe he’d stayed away because our last correspondence id told him never to contact me again.  It played out in my head that somehow on his birthday, he would drive to my house.. id hear the familiar walk , his boots on the pavement and he would come to tell me how much he loved me, how sorry he was, how he knew that it would take so long to regain my trust but wanted to try.    I actually made sure i looked decent on that Friday , fixed my hair even though i was just lounging around the house , put on a little makeup just in case.   All the while knowing this would never happen , but there was that tiny little voice saying, “What if?”.   By that evening , i put on something comfortable, threw my hair up in a ponytail , washed my faced and cried for being so stupid.. and allowing my mind to even let me entertain it. 

The Tuesday after Labor Day ..my phone buzzed and i looked over and my heart literally stopped .  I had a text from “lyingdouchebag” . (Yes i changed his name in my phone and no its not mature)  I started shaking inside and it took forever to pick it up to read.  When i did ,  Id wished i hadnt.  Anger, anger is all i felt.  He spoke to me as if i was a stranger that had just done something nice for him.  His words ..  “Sorry i just got back and got your card, ive been out of town.  Thank you for all the nice things you said about me .  It was never you, it was me.  I panicked at how close we were getting and honestly i still dont know why i felt the need to go.  You have a lot to offer someone , youre great.  It wasnt “Tina” (his ex gf) it wasnt anything but me and im so sorry.  I hope you and T (my daughter) are ok and please tell her and your mom i said hello.” 

WOW.  Thats it?  As if nothing happened.  As if my mother and daughter would want a hello from him after the hell he drug me through.  The gall of him to even think they would.   And the same lies .  I knew then , that i would never know the truth, it was over.  The wondering , the needing to know and thinking after 6 months he might have the decency to say.  But no , just the same bullshit .  I wrote back and said  ” The letter was more for me than for you, just things i needed to say . I wish i could believe it wasnt about “her” but she posted entirely too much proof that it was, for all the world to see , for that to happen.  Then you went to her immediately and truth be known, are still with her im sure.  So its hard to believe it had nothing to do with “her”.   The “hello’s” would be welcomed im sure if things were different .  Youre welcome. ” 

I got nothing in return.  Part of me hoped he would write back, tell me no im not with “her” anymore.. something, anything.  But no, he did his “nice act” for the year and thanked me and thats all he planned on doing.   I cried for hours .  The first contact id had with him since he walked out and took my heart with him and it hurt, a lot.  About 5 hours later i texted once more and i said ..”i have nothing to lose in telling you that even though i was so hurt, i guess i’ll always love you.  You hurt me worse than ive ever been hurt but one day ill forgive you.  Not for you, but for me.  If you are still with her , then your issues arent , getting too close to someone, but in fact getting too close to “me” was your problem and that is where the confusion and pain lie.  I have no motives here in not wanting you back but i will say , you always know where i am if you ever want to talk .  “

Im an idiot .. maybe i shouldnt have responded at all even to his first text… but that would have surely been what he wanted.  He doesnt deserve what he wants.  I hated myself for writing even the second time , but did get to tell him that i dont want him back.. not that he cares.   Im not sure i accomplished anything.  The whole ordeal threw me back into a dark place for days .. I cried at the drop of a dime and i felt broken all over again.  What an asshole .  I will never understand .   I hope he is very happy , i hope they are very happy together but more than anything in this world .. i hope that one day he feels for even 5 minutes the same pain that ive felt for months at his hands.   I hope that she feels what he made me feel one day .  Maybe and only maybe then will either of them understand how wrong it is.   Yes i shouldnt wish ill on people but then you have the people like them that just simply deserve it.

That chapter in my life is now closed.   Move on.. yea … But the damage he did to me is proving to hinder me in so many ways .  I hope youre happy R.  I have no idea why i even had to meet you.  This is not a lesson ill ever understand.


Time heals all

So its been a while since ive written ..

Part of that comes from being overwhelmingly busy with my daughters end of year things being a senior in high school.  Prom, Boyfriend issues (constant when you date a douchebag and she does) , finals, graduation , graduation parties etc.

Another part comes from just that small part of me that still feels blah at times and puts off talking about anything or to anyone ..I dont know if its still a bit of depression hanging on , or if im just not feeling that social or if im just that tired .  Ive got emails piling up and when i think of sitting down and answering them i just feel tired and think,   ill do that tomorrow .. and so the cycle begins.

Another part im certain is due to meeting someone .  So much of my time is spent talking to him from the time i wake till we go to bed.  I wasnt expecting it .  I was on the same stupid dating site i had met “him” on , not even knowing why i was there .  Not really answering any emails , hardly getting on at all .  I knew it was too soon.  One day i happened to look out of curiousity at who was from a city that i really like although its 6 hours away..  It was just to pass the time right then.  I had no idea i was going to meet someone and especially not meet someone and hit it off this way.  Shocked is putting it mildly as time went on and we talked more.  I had talked to people before him and was bored out of my mind, felt nothing , not even a spark of interest intellectual or otherwise with any one. I even made myself meet up for lunch with one person id talked to for a little while local but it just wasnt there, that feeling that you want to see them again or continue talking.   I found no interest in anyone and was about to just get off the site until my heart had healed and i felt ready to get back out there.

And then there he was.   That feeling i feared not feeling again, of being so comfortable talking to someone that it was like you’d always known them, showed itself immediately.. i got leary.  Scared is more like it .  The more we talked the more i could see the kind of man he was .  That scared me .  He’s a good person, raising his young daughter on his own and doing a damn good job.  He’s funny, he’s thoughtful, he’s patient, he’s kind , cares about others, loves almost all the same things i do , the in common list is crazy long and the list why i enjoy him goes on.   Its been over a month that we’ve been talking and thats literally , daily, all day and evening.  By now i can guarantee , in knowing myself , id have lost interest if there wasnt enough there .. but its something.. i dont know what .  Maybe its nothing ,but im not willing to walk away without finding out .  The distance sucks.  Or does it?  We’ve had that talk and nothing is holding him in New Orleans.  We are neither in a hurry to push things, but that option is there if something were to form further. Thats nice to know and store away.   For now its not so bad .  I keep feeling myself backing away and then i feel pulled back.  I know thats my fear of being hurt or disappointed. He’s flying me there when im ready .. i was going to drive but he insists on paying for me to get there and its only an hour flight compared to a 6 hour drive. That date has been set for the 11th of this month.    Am i nervous?  Sure.  Its that next step , the thought of will we meet and it just not be what i thought.  But something in me keeps telling me im really wrong this time.

This person in the span of a month , sadly has shown more to me than  “He” showed to me in all the time we were dating.  I see more and more how pathetic “he” was and how pathetic i was for accepting it and holding on .

My kitchen faucet broke last week and as i was trying to replace it i was having nothing but problems and getting very upset and frustrated.  He paid for and sent out a plumber and told me to just sit down and open the door when they got there.  I have never had any one do something so thoughtful and kind for me .  I think im still shocked that he did that.  It was wonderful and so sweet.   Then while getting my nails done this week, he called where i was and paid for me to get a pedicure , he knew i had said I couldnt afford to do both at one time .   Im not used to someone spoiling me that way ..i would be lying if i said it wasnt a nice change.   So my time has been spent getting to know him, and making a really great friend in the process that i hope i guess will eventually grow into more.  If not , then it doesnt and thats ok.  For now i like where it is.

As far as “him” .. i still think of him fairly often but its no where near what it was.  Im no longer plagued with my mind racing with thoughts of why he did what he did and what him and her are doing , if their still together etc , if he ever loved me and so on.  He did what he did because he’s not capable of being a good human being that can talk to the person he supposedly loves and tell them if there is a problem , but instead lies, cheats and then leaves.  He will most likely never truly be happy and i dont believe that i pushed him to his decisions like i was believing and beating myself up for.   I was good to him and even if there was something , he could have been a real man and talked to me about it.  Not lied and cheated.  That is on him, not me.    There have been a few pics ive come across, the pain in my heart is less now when i see them but i still wont sit and stare at them , i delete them promptly and move on.   Things will happen or pop up that remind me of something about him or us back then and for a moment ill feel my breath catch in my chest and then i push it away and carry on.  I no longer wish he’d come back since i know that was just my heart break talking.  Him coming back would never be the same , i would never trust him.  And honestly i deserve better than what he gave me, i see that now.  Sure i still hurt , i still wish things could have been different but I cant allow myself to continue to be pulled down to his level , be pulled back into the pain that he inflicted on me for no reason.  Im better than that.  I didnt deserve it and i dont deserve to live there.  He never even contacted me again, maybe because i found out what he was doing and all the others were too stupid to see or didnt want to, maybe because i had the balls to tell him off finally at the end and no one else had, maybe because i told him never contact me again.. who knows.  But if he truly loved me, truly wanted to right all the wrongs… he’d be here and he’s not.  A persons actions will always tell you everything that you need to know.  Its up to us to pay attention.  I was too blinded to do that at the time.  But no longer.

Yes i loved him but ive come to realize that i wasnt in love with him.. just as im aware now that he couldnt have been in love with me.  Im not sure he knows what love really is.   I almost feel sorry for him really.   I dont know why i had to meet him, what that reason was or lesson i needed to learn but perhaps one day i will.  Maybe it was to show me once and for all that the “type” i always go for truly will never allow me to be happy , not be in the kind of relationship that is normal and healthy .. maybe i needed to go through that to finally see and be able to fully appreciate someone that maybe isnt exactly that “type” , but a wonderful person nonetheless.   I do know one thing i learned though, I know that ill be more cautious my next time around.  I wont let myself be blinded by charm and good looks or chemistry , ill heed those warning flags and my gut instinct screaming at me, ill never push down and ignore again.

Ill continue to pull myself up.  I’ll continue to see where things go with M and try to keep my heart and mind open and not allow my past pain to interfere.  I’ll continue to move forward and get stronger and learn as i go.   But one thing i will not continue to do is let “Him” and what he did to me, define me.

♥ Heart_Band-Aid--001bb-3


Letter

Something keeps telling me to write this letter to him.

I try to push it away.. not think of it but it always comes back just as overwhelming as before.  I dont know why.  I dont know the reason behind feeling i need to do this.  Is it a small hope that i’ll touch him and make him see why he actually hurt me so badly , and in turn he’ll feel even a sliver of remorse?  Is it because i want him to hear from me once more in hopes that he’ll be forced to think of me for just a minute and realize maybe he really does miss something .  The only thing i do know is that part of it is for me.. to redeem myself in a way , not because i want him to forgive me for my erratic behaviour when all this came out .. i dont care if he does or not .. its more for me because of the kind of person i am.  It eats at me that i acted so irrationally i guess, on pure raw emotion instead of sitting on the information and then using my head .  Thats not how i behave.  But i had never been done that way before also.

I dont want to send some 5 page letter reminding him all the shit he put me through .. perhaps short , very mature , that ive picked up and moved on but that he did indeed hurt me in ways i didnt deserve , deeply .  That if i played a part in our relationship falling apart  i wish he’d told me.   I wish he hadnt felt i deserved all the lies and deceit as it only leaves one with a huge cross to bear not knowing how someone really felt about you in the end.  Nothing solid to hold on to and remember.  But that i hope he finds his happiness with her and she’s able to give him what i obviously couldnt .  That no matter how badly i was treated and betrayed by either of them, that im big enough to realize true love is wanting the other to be happy even if its not with me.

So many say not to send him a letter, just let it go.  But i cant ignore the daily nagging at my soul that something , somewhere is saying to write it.

Any suggestions would really be appreciated .

And no… im not writing it in hopes he’ll come back.  If he came back nothing would ever be the same.  Id never be able to trust him .   So this isnt any of the reasons for writing it.


God .. please

Hold my hand today .  Wrap your arms around me and comfort me and help me to feel safe . Im struggling today even worse than yesterday.  I dont understand this relapse.  All i know is that im frightened and im sad and im depressed with thoughts of him and all that happened.  Yesterday you know that i felt that if i didnt contact him, see him , something , i would surely lose my mind . I did nothing .  I sat quietly and tried to ignore the anxiety.

God please help me understand .. please help take him away from my heart and mind .  He occupies too much space there and none of it is helpful but quite the contrary.   Im your child , you know me better than anyone so you must know i cant take much more.  Im praying to you to help guide me away from this.  I wont ask why i had to meet him and go through this , i just ask you to take it from me .  My heart cant take anymore.   My body is frail from stress and depression, my mind is weak and i suffer.. while he lives his life Lord without probably a single thought of me .  Perhaps they even laugh at how they got away with what they did.  I ask that you maybe find a way to fill his heart with regret , show him the err of his ways and make him realize what he has done.  For 5 minutes i wish he felt the pain that he caused.

Stay close today Lord, i need you to get me through.  Its going to be a rough day .. i feel it .

 


2 months ago today..

2 months ago today … my world came crashing down.

It has been on my mind so strong for the last two days.. questioning why, why someone that said they loved me so much would do such things to me when i didnt deserve it.  I could understand a little better had i been horrible to him , or treated him badly but i didnt.  So many lies and so many more came to light after he left.. why leave me hanging on while you lie to me.. why make future plans with me when youre no longer wanting to be here .. why put me through that. ?

I realized that it was so easy for him because he began letting go while he was away working , while he was having an emotional affair with his ex gf.  By the time he ended it , he was over it and i was in no way prepared.   It was a blow, a shock .  Then to learn that he was going out with her laughing and enjoying themselves at the crawfish festival ( that i couldnt wait to go to with him) not even a week later was more than i could even process. Then learning of her bragging on her fb page of how she didnt let him get away .. made me literally sick.   Why?   Why did he stand here and swear that the things that she had put on her fb while we were still together , such as ( i woke up to him singing to me this morning on my voicemail , and he made valentines day for me as a woman amazing) werent true and he didnt know why she was putting those things there.   Why did he stand here a week after he left me and tell me for 3 hours that he loved me , he just cant do committment , that he wasnt going back to her and never would for many reasons, that he had only truly loved two women in his life me and his ex wife and how sorry he was .  Why tell me that if he ever thought he could be in a serious relationship that it would be with me .   Why?   Why tell me any of that??  Why not just tell me the truth instead of leaving me with all these questions.  Having to live with not really knowing why or understanding .  Leaving me to wonder if i was the only one in this relationship all along.

I did the whole ridiculous begging and pleading him to think about what he was doing as he was walking out .. i texted him and emailed him , when i wish i would have just stayed quiet .  That day in April when i found out about them going out and the things she was saying about not letting him get away , my heart broke more .. i thought that was impossible.   I wanted to believe him , believe that she just wanted him back so badly that she was causing problems , but that he wasnt going back … that he just had his own demons to deal with and it wasnt me , it was him.   But all of that went out the window seeing that.  I felt betrayed and immediately like i wasnt good enough , that he’d left me for her and she must somehow be better, give him whatever i couldnt even though he said i gave him more than anyone.   I hated her , him , myself .  I wrote him a long email .. not mean, but not exactly nice.

I also which in hindsight wish i hadnt , spoke to friends on my fb page about it, about her, what he did etc .. they had nothing good to say about her  ( i dont know why he or her think anyone would)  i mentioned one of the reasons he told me he wouldnt go back to her being that she has a young son and he doesnt want to raise someones kids .  A friend posted a video to my page , a song called cheater cheater and the words are whered you meet that low down white trash ho. We chuckled about it fitting so well .   Long story short, she apparently went to my page for whatever reason , saw what i said and went running to him .   I was told that he had nothing to say to me again , that i shouldnt talk about someone i dont know , that i should be mad at him not her  (??) she didnt do anything wrong.  I will never forget those words.  How can he not see that any of what she did or he did was wrong ?  How is that even possible??

I cant even express the primal emotions that ran through me , the anger, the betrayl , the hurt , the jealousy i suppose .. just pain of it all and i shot off an email that would make the hair on the devils arms stand up .  I told him exactly how i felt , i told him how i knew everything was a lie and how she was certainly not innocent because she knew we were together and it didnt stop her or him .. i told him he never deserved me loving him as much as i did and so on and so forth and i cried the entire time i was writing it and sent it  .  Within 5 minutes i regretted it.  I still do.  Even though i shouldnt feel bad for anything after what they both did to me .. i do.  Its how i am.  I dont know why i care if he hates me , but i didnt want things to end that way .  They should have ended with him knowing he was wrong and seeing that he lost someone wonderful and instead i let my emotions take over and did all the things you shouldnt do.  I told him not to contact me that id blocked his email and his number …not that he would have anyway .  Now i worry that he truly hates me and looks at me as crazy.   Im willing to bet he doesnt even understand what its like to be treated that way and to react under pain like that.  Ive never been treated that way .  Ive never been disposed of and replaced like i never existed and i cant explain to anyone what courses through you when you realize it.   Then for him to come to HER rescue .. was the final straw.

Ive wanted to write to him.  Ive not spoken to him since that day .. but its nagging at me constantly that i should handwrite and mail a letter to him apologizing for my erratic behaviour but that i was reacting from sheer raw emotion only , not thinking .  That i agree with the relationship needing to have ended and had he just left i could have handled it so much better , but how he did it.  The lies , the deceit truly hurt me worse than ive ever been hurt.  That he’s forced me to live with wondering why .. but that ive picked up and moved on but that part of him will always remain with me.  That even though i was done so badly and so unfairly , that i loved him enough that i wish for his happiness .  I only wish that he’d have been truly honest with me so that i didnt have to question what i was to him, thats a large cross to bear.  That time has helped erase much and more time will take care of the rest .  That i wish nothing but his happiness and i hope that she gives him whatever it is he felt i couldnt .

This is what i want to say .. why?  I dont know really other than to apologize for some reason for my behaviour when he really doesnt deserve it.

These last two days have me going out of my mind.  Is it because its been exactly 2 months so my mind is remembering more or am i just sliding backwards .?   I feel at this rate im never going fully recover and to me there is nothing more unfair when i know he’s not thought of me or missed me but here i am still picking up pieces.  I hate him for this.  Why couldnt he have just left me alone and done this to someone else.

And her… i hope that she one day feels the pain that they together put me through.  What kind of woman does that ?  I dont care their history , (even though he said they really didnt have one) .  A real woman doesnt mess with a man when he’s with someone .  If he initiated it, you still dont.  You say when youre done , ill be here.  But she is a piece of trash in my eyes.  I hope they are very happy together.


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